Talking Point

I’m not sure if I have lost touch with reality whilst I have been in lockdown, but, like Joseph I had a dream and it seems to me we have lost an opportunity to manage the coronavirus pandemic as we would a football club.

First of all, we have the politicians who are the equivalent of the owners of clubs. They haven’t got a clue as to what is going on, but have the ability to throw money at any given situation. The politicians, instead of, like owners, paying a few people a huge amount of money, have decided to pay everyone(their fans) who wants it their wages, whilst these people languish at home. Most owners have never kicked a football in their life and most of the Conservative politicians have never seen the inside of a NHS hospital, paying instead for private health.

So, the politicians who don’t have a clue have brought in the experts, as owners bring in managers. Unfortunately, as it turns out for the UK, these experts are only guessing what can work. They have never played the game before, so are completely unfamiliar with formations and strategies. Instead, they have gone for a 1 10 formation. In other words, complete defence to exonerate them from any blame later.

The trick we have missed is bringing in foreign managers to see us through the crisis.We needed the equivalent of Jurgen Klopp to work out the correct strategy. In the coronavirus epidemic, we need to be at the bottom of the league, not the top. Perhaps Avram Grant would have been a good choice. A German would have been fine, but a South Korean would have been better.

In respect to West Ham, the club has skills to help the country face the challenges that confront us. With so many people at home craving entertainment, we could have relied on the skills of David Sullivan to produce pornographic videos to entertain the masses and ensure we did not get a dip in population due to the crisis.. David Gold could be employed to turn a Rolls Royce factory into a giant dildo manufacturer.Karen Brady’s skills could have been used to get sponsorship. For example, in order to praise the NHS, a company would have needed to pay a fee and their name would be displayed alongside the message.Betting companies could pay for the right to gamble on how many deaths we have each day. It may sound a bit macabre, but Karen would be just the person to carry this out.

Sepp Blatter should be appointed the Chairman of the WHO and his job would be to have a closed auction to bid for the first batches of vaccine. Each country would be encouraged to put forward their arguments for being the winner, before we discover that Russia has won.

Meanwhile, the Premier League could be decided by having just a penalty shootout competition with the penalties being taken by the mascots of each club, since they already wear the PPE to ensure no one is endangered. Sky and BT would still have to pay £750 million for the privilege of the TV rights, otherwise the 2020-21 would be given to the Saudis for free, as they are pirates and weren’t paying for anything in the first place. A lottery would decide what season ticket holders could attend, as fans would have to sit 2 metres apart.

To replace football on TV, we could use VAR combined with drones to decide if people are breaking the lockdown rules and keeping social distancing. Replays would decide whether rules have been broken and a former police commissioner could give his opinion.

Goal of the month could be replaced by Whopper of the Month deciding which politician had told the greatest lie during the pandemic. Instead of those coronavirus updates everyday at 5.00pm, we should have Coronavirus of the Day presented by Gary Linekar with Alan Shearer, who puts me to sleep every Saturday evening and could perhaps put the nation to sleep for the rest of the pandemic.