Do you know what the most important law in the world is? Murphy’s law. “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong”. This accurately predicts what is happening currently.
What’s happened to Greta? We haven’t heard from her in a while. The climate change protesters laid their bodies across roads to stop the economy. Well, now they must be in climate changers’ heaven. The world’s economy has stopped. Millions will be unemployed and another few million will die of hunger. They got what they wanted – a clean world and fewer people. Who would have thought? Anyway, we won’t be seeing them for a few years.
How to get yourself in a mess during a lockdown? My youngest son ordered a takeaway curry for his family. My grandson had a chicken korma, which he didn’t finish. So, the next day, he heated up the leftovers in the microwave for lunch and went for a sleep. The next incident was my son heard a thump from above and called my daughter-in-law to have a look (he is too lazy to climb the stairs). She found my grandson had fallen out of bed and could hardly talk or move. Then, he started throwing up profusely. They called an ambulance which arrived in two minutes – this must be a record and he was taken to hospital. The first I knew of it was when my grandson Whatsuped me, looking very spritely and proud he was in an hospital bed. Alls well that ends well. He won’t be having curry – ever.
We live in this bizarre world where Sir Richard Branson is asking for financial assistance. I have this morbid theory. In reality, I died sometime in March and my spirit has created this world in which I have to exist in. Is it hell or is it heaven? Funnily enough I watching the setries DEVS on BBC and this is actually the plot(almost).
As part of my daily exercise, I wheeled out my bike, blew up the tyres and gave it a good oiling. I decided to practice in the side roads opposite my house. What’s the expression – ‘It’s like riding a bike.’ Getting on a bike after a couple of years certainly isn’t. Getting on the bike was a bit like getting on a horse and I wobbled a bit as I rode off. I came to a steep hill and I was determined to get to the top. I didn’t. I ended up sitting on someone’s front garden wall trying to get my breath back. During my ten minute recuperation, I had to weigh the positives and negative. The positive was that I would become the fittest person to ever come out of lockdown. My figure would reduce from that of a German businessman’s to someone who resembled a stick insect. On the negative side, I would have a massive heart attack, wobble into a pantechnicon or fall off and break my wrist or ankle. No one would come near me to give me the kiss of life, as this has been prohibited under the Government lockdown rules.
This reminds me of the story of the young and beautiful Queen Sunandha of Thailand , or Siam as it then was in 1860, who drowned because the law forbade anyone to touch her on pain of death. I suppose the royal family could afford to lose her as her father, King Mongkut had 82 children. She and her ten-year old son were crossing the Chao Phraya river in a separate boat, as nobody was allowed near them. Unfortunately, there was a strong current and the boat overturned. The guards in other boats watched as they drowned, afraid to break the law.
Gradually, we’re going to get sick of Netflix and reading and start our own creative efforts. After all, I’m writing this, my wife is painting pictures and my son is writing songs. Multiply that a billion times and we’re going to have a Coronavirus Renaissance. People will discover, you don’t need Versace printed on your t-shirt or fancy jewellery, or fast motor vehicles or even holidays when you are stuck at home. Make up and botox are out the window. File your own nails and do your own hair. We are learning it was all vanity, vanity, vanity.
After the fiasco with my bike, I’ve taken to walking through the forest with my daughter. I like to have a short rest on one of the benches on the footpath. My daughter stands lookout, in case there are some armed police hiding in the bushes.
I’ve been following the excellent advice of Donald Trump to ward off Coved-19. So far, I have been taking the malaria pills I have left over from a holiday to Africa, sleep at night under a UV lamp. Today, I started injecting myself with Dettol. I feel a bit light headed but incredibly clean.
I think the Royals are so wonderful. They really lift the spirit of the nation. It brought a tear to my eye watching the pictures of Prince Andrew helping to pack food parcels. He really cares for the vulnerable, particularly young women.
I’ve just worked out what the statistics mean because at the moment the infection rate is level rather than dropping, even though we have been in lockdown for five weeks. Anyone in lockdown is not going to catch the virus. So, in the main, the people who are catching it and being tested are the health workers and their families. The NHS employs 1.5 million people. Add care workers and families, so there must be at least six million people liable to be exposed to the virus. 5000 a day are catching the virus, so that would make 5 years before they all have antibodies and the rest of us can be released from lockdown. The 1918 pandemic went on for two years, but the world population was only 1.8 billion then.
And the WHO states that catching the virus does not give a person immunity, so, it’s a bit like painting the Forth Bridge. Once you think you get to the end, you have to start all over again (or Groundhog Day)
Kim Jon Un apparently is in a coma or dead. No doubt some mad general will take over and push the red button. That will be one way of getting rid of the virus. Donald Trump will state that fallout is an excellent way of eliminating the virus.
As the Queen has no one around her any longer, I am told she has to make her own tea. Apparently, she has never heard of tea bags, so she makes it in the old fashioned way. Plates of food , which have been blasted with uranium to eliminate any virus, are left outside her door, with a tin of dog food for her favourite corgi who is with her. However, her aides are afraid that at 94, she might mix things up, so they leave a note on top of the food ,’This is for you’ and ‘This is for your dog’.
Sales of food and drink have shot up by 31%. So, we’re all going down in style. I’m not sure if the figures include Northern Ireland, as wakes are no longer allowed.
I understand when the new rules about flying come into effect, you will have to spend two weeks in self isolation when you go anywhere and two weeks in self isolation when you get back. So, in order to have two weeks on a beach in a sunny climate, you’ll have to take six weeks off work.
We are experiencing such wonderful blue skies. Isn’t the world going to be such a beautiful place when humanity is extinct? Greta must be thrilled at the prospect.
We are now reaching the point where a lot of men haven’t cut their hair or shaved for six weeks. The caveman look is back. Soon, we won’t be using deodorants to save the ozone layer and not bathing to preserve the water supply.When we come out of lockdown, you won’t need social distancing and people won’t want to come near us anyway.
Finally, I’d like to share a joke with you. I was Skyping my eleven year old grandson and I told him to tell me a joke. He looked one up , ‘What did the pirate do when his parrot bit off his penis? Got himself a woodpecker?’ I laughed even more when he asked me to explain it.