David Sullivan was sitting at his desk contemplating, wearing his Russian hat to keep warm. He had turned the heating down to save money. After the tremendous success of his last film ‘Iron Men’, wasn’t it about time he produced another blockbuster? It was time to recount his own fantastic story and that of David Gold. Iron Men 2 would be a good title. It would show how they had clawed their way up from poverty. The way they had championed the right of a woman to determine what happens to her body. The way they had increased women’s employment opportunities. and furthered the cause of freedom of the press.
Who could play himself? Perhaps Al Pacino and Robert De Niro could portray David Gold. After all, their story had similarities to ‘The Godfather’. What about Karren Brady? The name Marie Antoinette came into his head but he couldn’t remember whether she was an actress. Didn‘t she work for crumbs, or was it cake?
These thoughts were too much for him and he fell asleep. He dreamed he was in a market for football players. He passed the first stall for old crocks and moved on to another for loanees. Then, there was one for those out of contract and finally for one for the almost healthy. At the last stall, he came across the Archbishop of Canterbury, reading one of his magazines and praying for Andy Carroll and Jack Wilshere.
He woke with a jolt to find his son, Jack, poking him in the shoulder and telling him it was almost the end of January and he had to make some decisions.
He thought for a moment and then suggested to Jack that, perhaps, they should sign Alain Ducasse. Jack pointed out that was the chef of the restaurant they had visited at the Dorchester the previous week to discuss their financial problems. He asked Jack where were the plans for naming a stand ‘The David Sullivan Stand’? Perhaps, now wasn’t the right time.
He pondered and then decided they had to give some of their old players a ring. He told Jack to ring Payet and ask him whether he was missing London. What about Pedro Obiang? Perhaps , we had been in too much of a hurry to sell him. He also told Jack to contact Roy Hodgson and ask him if he would exchange Kouyate and Tomkins for Sanchez and Ajeti.
Or what about Hammerhead? They all say we need pace. Did you see how he beat Boiler Man at halftime?
Jack told him they had managed to get Tomas Soucek on loan, but they needed others. Sullivan asked if that was the player he met when he went on a stag weekend to Prague.
He suggested he should go on more stag weekends.
Then, Jack suggested they get rid of Karren Brady. He had a friend who would do the job at a tenth of the price. Sullivan told him she was too knowledgeable to get dispose of her. Jack looked bemused and asked if was her knowledge of football. No, Sullivan told him. It’s her knowledge about us.
And what about that Mohammad bin Salman? He might interested in a London club. Jack pointed out he had been accused of chopping a journalist into little pieces. Sullivan told himself that it was this kind of treatment which might motivate the players. And perhaps a few fans could benefit from a harsher regime. There’s a few he would like to pick out on that West Ham Till I Die website. He could make their wish come true.
They said he was getting old but he had a ton of new ideas.
Jack told him they had a problem with the stadium. The fans realised they had been sold a pig in the poke. He told Jack to ring Daniel Levy. Perhaps they could rent the Spurs stadium. They could offload the lease of the London Stadium to Leyton Orient. After all, they had been keen to play there.
He asked Jack who the West Brom manager was. They seemed well organised and they’d need someone like that after they sacked Moyes for the second time. Jack replied it was Slaven Bilic. He asked Jack if it was the same Slaven Bilic West Ham had employed. Perhaps there was two of them.
Sullivan turned to his computer and logged into the West Ham Till I Die website. He looked at the comments. He wasn’t interested in any of the articles. One fan commented the side were the pits. Another suggested the stadium should be named the Pit of Despair. Hmmm, not half as good as The Sullivan Stadium. Another suggested bronze statues for himself and David Gold and that they should be put inside (tribute to fan who actually made this comment). Another suggested it would be appropriate if West Ham beat Liverpool and then got relegated at the end of the season.
Jack asked him how much he was going to spend in this transfer window. He told Jack he was going to send a lot of emails. Some would arrive and some wouldn’t. But, he was thinking it was pointless spending money on any good players, as he would have to get rid of them at the end of the season when they dropped to the Championship. It was time for realpolitik.
He looked up the Football League parachute payments plan on his computer. 55% of earnings in the first year, 45% in the second year and 20% in the third year. He quickly calculated what the club would receive in a fire sale and applied a 20% discount. All in all , it wouldn’t be too bad. After all, it wasn’t the first time they had been relegated.
Sullivan took a look at the Guardian report on the game against West Brom. West Ham were ‘ an abject rabble’. ‘West Ham are ‘ an abject mess and the clock is ticking’. David Moyes wore ‘a rather haunted look’. The ground is ‘sad and soulless’. There was ,’ a poisonous atmosphere’. Well, he thought, I’m going to show them all. This is my Stalingrad. I’m not going to be pushed around any further. The young fans love me. It’s those hypocritical, old age pensioners who are causing all the trouble. If I hang around a bit, they’ll all disappear. No doubt, when they all get to Paradise, they’ll start writing critical articles and make snide comments. Otherwise, they can go to hell.