I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
I’m not one for gimmicks in football, every game at the moment seems to be sponsored by or in association with some kind of information organisation or awareness brand trying to get their message out. Me, I’m not bothered, I just want to watch football.
But then I watched the two teams line up together behind the FA Heads Up banner in the FA Cup game at Gillingham and that got me thinking about how in the past football in one way or another has helped me cope with the demons that lurk inside and the challenges that life throw at us.
This time of year for me is never my favourite time to be honest because of an event 24 years ago and yet at the time football was an escape for me. It allowed me to forget for a short period, the distress of life at the time.
Some people reading this may think my action to be strange but we all have our coping methods.
This is the first time I’ve ever thought about putting this down in writing, but in doing this I hope to highlight the positive impact football can have when you face the worst day/weeks of all and perhaps hope that the football world can see it really can be positive when used to help in some way to overcome mental barriers that so many put up in times of trouble.
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
Christmas 1995, I’d been married for 6 months and was looking forward to the new year coming, a year that would change our lives as my wife was 6 months pregnant. Yup, I didn’t hang about basically, if you know what I’m saying.
The warning signs of what was to come were there, we just didn’t realise, the midwives and doctors at the hospital didn’t see either despite the fact she was displaying symptoms of what was coming.
Friday, January 5th 1996, my wife went to see our GP, she wasn’t feeling too good. The GP sent her to hospital straight away, concerned for her welfare. I was called and met her there. I can still remember standing next to her bed, not knowing anything wrong with her when a doctor came in and told us out straight: be prepared to lose your child. It was as cold as that.
My wife was put into a room for monitoring, we were left to ourselves confused and were now worried. I spent the night on the floor of the room, I couldn’t leave her.
Saturday, January 6th 1996: To be honest, I can sleep through most things, but that night wasn’t great, the not knowing eats away at you but I’m conscious I need to keep a brave face, constantly reassure my wife don’t worry, everything will be ok, yet inside you are petrified that it is not. Minutes and hours slip by. I’m joined by the In-laws. Still, the hospital says nothing, they just monitor my wife. Saturdays in hospitals back then were almost closed except for A&E Depts.
At 2 o’clock, rightly or wrongly, I needed a break. I needed fresh air and I needed to escape.
From the hospital room, I could see the back of our house, but I didn’t go there. I walked the 15 minutes to Green Street, where West Ham was playing Southend in the FA Cup third round at home.
I stood outside the gates to the ground to chat with my uncle like I did every game. At the time I didn’t even tell him what was going on, where I’d just come from, or where my wife was or what we were going through. We did our usual talk of anything West Ham and the upcoming game. For that ½ hour, I was released from the worry to the point of I walked up to my usual turnstile on the old West Stand to go in.
West Ham won the game 2-0. I never watched the game because I returned to the hospital, just that hour away. Being at the ground though had in a way, recharged me back to support my wife and face whatever would be coming.
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
Saturday, January 13th 1996: I have this ability to remember certain things in life by matching them to who West Ham was playing at the time. I don’t know who they were playing that day nor do I care. I was only 26 my wife was 22 but yet this was, without doubt, the worst day of our lives.
No longer at our local hospital, we were now at UCLH via the London. That morning a consultant gave me 3 scenarios and as compassionate as can be he asked me to make choices.
There was only one for me and I’ll stand by that for all my days.
That night part of us died and maybe in a way, bonded us together forever.
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
Monday, January 22nd: Nine god awful days but at last I get my wife out of hospital and home. For her it was the first time since that Friday she had been there.
That night West Ham played Manchester United at home. Cantona scored the only goal of the game. I watched at home on the TV, with the window open so I could hear the crowd noises on the wind.
Frankly, I’ve stared at this for 10 minutes not knowing the best way to describe the feeling so perhaps the fact I can’t says it all.
January 31st 1996: West Ham faced Coventry at home, in an entertaining game we won 3-2. I sat on the West lower and can still see young Frank waiting on the touchline in front of me waiting to come on for his first-ever game for us.
The next day we said goodbye.
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I will keep myself
I would find a way
Writing this was supposed to be me showing how football could be a great help in coping with extreme mental situations. I have other examples lined up of how I thought football had helped me. Actually, it reminds me that perhaps my relationship with football and especially West Ham is at times nothing to be proud of bordering on unhealthy. It seems I used football as an escape from life it didn’t help heal me it just helped hide me from dealing with life.
As I read the above for the tenth time I come to the conclusion I have a lot to be embarrassed even ashamed about, so now instead of it being about how great football can be a help, I hope it can be a warning to younger fans.
Sometimes we can all take football too seriously and now I believe Shankly was wrong when he said “Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don’t like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that”
I owe my wife a massive apology.