Match Report

Alice: ‘I have never been to a football game. Can you explain what happens?’

The Mad Hatter: ‘Well, you see all our players. Some of them cost us as much as £35 million pounds.’

Alice: ‘Is it that one who can’t pass the ball to save his life?’

Mad Hatter: ‘Yes, that’s the one. And you see that one. He’s been chosen to play for England, so now he’s playing like he’s playing for England and can’t pass the ball. A few games ago he was brilliant. Also, he had difficulty making up his mind whether he is Irish or English’

Alice:’ And what about that player up front?’

Mad Hatter: ‘Well, that player wants to go to China to win some trophies and earn more money, because he only earns £100,000 a week and he can’t manage on that.’

Alice:’What about that man who is standing on the sidelines?’

Mad Hatter: ’He’s the sort of general. But, he’s getting a bit old, so they only pay him £6 million a year. And he earns his money by shouting ‘Charge! Charge!’ all the time. Nobody has yet realised, he doesn’t really know that there are a number of ways to play football. And he is Chilean, so the only word he knows in English is ‘Charge!’

Alice:’ What about that bald player?’

Mad Hatter: ‘ He’s getting very old as well. In fact, he can’t remember where he should be playing. He’s actually should be a defender, but he keeps getting lost up the other side of the pitch.’

Alice:’ What about that strong looking man?’

Mad Hatter: ‘I heard he learnt his game from a bull in a china shop. They say he should go to Specsavers when he shoots at goal.’

Alice: ‘ This is all a bit like your riddle. Why is a raven like a writing desk?’

Mad Hatter: ‘ No, my riddle today is ‘How can you play like a bottom club against a bottom club and still win.’

Alice: ‘And who is that man up there watching the game through glass?’

Mad Hatter: ‘ He’s the owner. He’s afraid when the fans get excited, they might start to throw coins at him.’

Alice: ‘Doesn’t he want to catch the coins , so he can be a little richer? All this seems a little madder than your tea party.’

Mad Hatter: ‘Look here comes the rabbit. West Ham pulled him out of the hat in extra time.’

Alice: ‘Oh, there’s the Queen of Hearts over there. She keeps shouting ‘Off with his head’.

Mad Hatter : ‘That’s the most sensible thing I have heard someone say today.’