The GoatyGav Column

This morning’s article is a brief invitation to indulge in a bit of footy fun.

This season it seems that the, self created, analogy is very much en vogue. Primarily provided by foreign coaches and managers we’ve had some, shall we say, creative ones that have not escaped the notice of the various forms of football media in this country. I’ve outlined some of these great pearls of wisdom below but I’d love you to share the ones you’ve heard down the years. Be they from the mouths of professional, amateur, kids or Sunday League football it really doesn’t matter – like I said, it’s just for fun really. The ‘mixier’ the metaphor the better.

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I’m not 100% certain who was first to go with the metaphor to describe a team’s, or a club’s, situation but, if you go back to Eric Cantona’s comments of 1995, there’s a great example. Describing media reporters EC likened their persistence to that of Seagulls following a trawler because they think that Sardines will be thrown in to the water for them. Off the wall you think? Well get a load of Jose Mourinho.

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During interviews the ‘Special One’ has really stretched the imagination beyond the realms of reality. Deciding that you don’t like Oranges at the top of the tree because they’re out of reach, despite the fact they’re the juiciest, and picking the lower ones had most of those listening scratching their heads. Before then there was the ‘Little Horse’ who needs ‘milk and work’ to help it learn to jump – hopefully getting to the point where you have two big Horses and a nice Horse if you’re lucky? No? Well, maybe, try getting your head around the various class of eggs on offer in the supermarket and their influence on the quality of the resultant omelette.

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Mr Mourhinho’s ‘House’ aphorism was a more recent one that didn’t quite come off either. According to Jose apparently it’s not just about buying new furniture. Oh no. The ex-Manchester United gaffer went off on one about the point at which you are ready to buy the said furniture, in relation to building the house in the first place, so that you’re then ready to live in an amazing house?

Confused? You will be. Gary Neville attempted to describe the task that Unai Emery had when he took over at Arsenal. Like his ex team-mate Neville went all Nautical. In his metaphor GN assigned Emery the role of the ship’s Captain. He went on to suggest that the new Arsenal manager needed to decide who was to disembark when the ship went in to port before allowing certain passengers on ahead of sailing back out to shore? Hmmm – permission to come aboard sir? Definitely not granted!

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I don’t want to steal your thunder so I’ll leave it there with my examples and look forward to hearing yours for a good giggle. Doesn’t have to be anyone famous. Could just be a mate, a stranger who shouted something out in the crowd on a match day or anyone at all.

Cheers
Gav.