Guest Post by Gary Hyams
General Pellegrini : I was brought to this land by the lure of gold to serve King David, of whom rumour told had made riches from the exploitation of women. There was discontent in the land and sometimes riot amongst the populace.
I brought together a disparate band of knights, most of whom had never fought together and spoke many tongues. Some already carried scars from previous battles and were not fit to fight. In a few short weeks, we trained hard, but lost our first four battles.
I prayed to the Gods and looked to Minerva to bring me wisdom. Finally, I found a formation which suited my knights. I told them that attack was the best form of defence and they learnt their lesson well. Gradually, we overcame our enemies.
Before the game, I heard that the Lord Mourinho, after many victories, was sacked at Manchester. It brought home to me that one must have humility, which was one word in the English tongue the Lord had not learnt.
The yokels had come to watch the battle, but King David had ensured their safety by seating them many leagues from the place of battle. Their cries for victory turned to whimpers by the time the sound reached the pitch of battle. They sang a strange ode about bubbles and blowing it instead of drinking it. They called for irons and hammers. They reminisce about a lost warrior who I think they call ‘The Moore’.
And now we come to the field having won four battles in a row, a feat not achieved for many a year. Discontent in the populace had been replaced by hope and ambition. Now, it was the last battle before Yuletide and our enemy had travelled from a place called Watford, some few miles to the North. They wore devilish armour and looked like hornets.
We started well and seemed full of vigour and vim. There was joisting all over the field. Sir Antonio who many times beforehand could be accused of scuffing, finally got a powerful hit on target. But, unfortunately, a few minutes later Sir Balbuena, normally solid in defence, hacked the enemy down and this was against the rules of chivalry and the enemy scored a blow. Sir Balbuena injured himself and limped off the field and I sent on Sir Ogbonna.
This was deflating for the yokels. Thrice, thrice , thrice and twice we had scored in previous battles. Now, we were battling for survival against a cunning enemy who seemed skilled in attack and resolute in defence.
I looked to our magician to bring us to rights. But, Sir Anderson had perhaps not drunk his potion this day. He tried from the right. He tried from the left, but all to no avail.
Our noble knight, Sir Noble looked like he had eaten his mince pies too early and was sluggish. Once more, we had to rely on Sir Fabulanski to save us from further ignominy.
Sir Antonio could only find wood this day and Sir Hernandez did not have his poacher’s touch and I heard he had left his lucky rabbit at home and forgot to pray to God before the game.
In accordance with the laws of chivalry, we all rested for some minutes. I gave the knights a stirring speech, but, unfortunately, its effect may have been diminished by the fact I had to have four translators present.
I brought on Sir Carroll who has suffered many blows in battle and then the young knight Sir Diangana who has the ability to slice through the enemy. But all to no avail and finally we succumbed to another blow from the enemy and left the field having not struck and been struck twice.
Now, we shall celebrate Yuletide and I wish you all good cheer. I have advised Sir Snodgrass to avoid the Christmas pudding.