Guest Post by Gary Hyams
I can’t explain how Jesus walked on water and I don’t know how Donald Trump became President of the United States. More of a mystery is the way West Ham could play such a sloppy first half filled with inaccurate passing, but come out in the second half and score three brilliant goals in just a few minutes.
It was if they had just go out of bed and nobody told them the kick off was at 3.00pm. By the time, at 3.15pm,they actually starting playing, they were one down.
So, let’s try and explain that mystery. Like most Premier League teams, our team is a reconstituted Tower of Babel. In the place of surnames, our team comprised by language Polish, Spanish, Spanish, French, French, English, English, English, Spanish, Spanish, and Portuguese. These are all directed by a manager whose speaks Spanish and English with an accent so thick , I wouldn’t be inclined for him to teach my children the offside rule. Looking at the line-up, it would be sensible to teach the English players to speak Spanish, rather than the converse. Comprende!
Or, we need to establish a common language. Esperanto is out of the question, but I would suggest the most appropriate language would be cockney rhyming slang, so here are a few phrases:
Ball watcher – Botcher
Dribble – Have a Nibble
Formation – Hold your Station
Foul – Kick in the Bowel
Goal – Good for your Soul
Members of the Board – Should be put to the Sword
Header – Ball Spreader
Marking man to man – Parking Auntie Anne
One Touch Soccer – Dutch Rocker
In addition, I have no idea how the referee can communicate his instructions in so many diverse languages. The referee today was Anthony Taylor who comes from Cheshire, so it goes without saying that he hardly speaks English.
We are going to have VAR next year, so I also suggest the introduction of earpieces, downloaded with Google Translate. I would call it EAR – Earpiece Assistant Referee. Perhaps, the manager could use it, as they do in American football.
So, what the hell happened at half-time. Did they finally have some Weetabix or a magic potion? Did the manager utter some diabolical phrase in Spanish? Whatever happened, they came out in the second half and scored three goals again in a short space of time. And brilliant goals too.
It was great to see Andy Carroll standing there like the Rock of Gibraltar. It would appear every time he gets the ball, we get a free kick. Otherwise, he can be like a bullseye on a dartboard. Robert Snodgrass finally found the net with a brilliant strike. Earlier, he had made one of the worst passes of the season.
Felipe Anderson is the visual version of a good bottle of wine – velvety, light bodied and crisp and leaves you wanting more. Declan Rice is a cut above everybody. The only excuse I can find for Zabaleta and Masuaku is that they found the green surrounding the pitch too disturbing and their performances will be much improved when this is turned to claret.
Noble has been much improved , since they put him in blinkers and he stopped passing back and to the side all the time. Diop and Balbuena are faultless, but you can’t have a two man defence.
Anyway, well done the lads! This week has been great entertainment and you have done us proud.