West Ham Till I Die
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David Hautzig's Match Report

Swansea 4, West Ham 1. Objectively Pathetic.

As the famous late American baseball legend Yogi Berra said, “it’s like Déjà vu all over again”.

I remember last season at around the same time, or maybe later, we played Swansea at home. It was a game that if we won, things looked ok. If we lost, things looked bleak. I couldn’t watch because I had to be in Manhattan to do something regarding my fathers estate. When the scores app on my phone dinged, I remember the abject terror I felt as I reached into my pocket. I also remember the feeling of relief, as if someone pulled a thorn or wasp stinger from my neck, when I saw it was Kouyate who had scored. Waking up to the news that two central defenders were out due to illness and injury didn’t fill me with optimism, but hearing that Hernandez would return to the first eleven helped a wee bit. Despite having to play Sherpa for my daughter and watching the second half on my phone in the car while writing on my IPad, I persevered through my anxiety to watch and report on today’s Uber Crucial match at The Liberty Stadium. That was a bad call on my part in the end. I still wrote while I watched, so thus here it is. But I decided not to torture myself or any of you more than needed by including photos of the massacre.

A lot has been made not only of Arnautovic’s goals, but his marauding runs at the defense that often cause them to panic. The first semi opportunity of the match came in the sixth minute when Noble sent a ball into Swansea’s end of the pitch for Marko to run down. It forced Mawson to put it out for a corner. The Hammers couldn’t capitalize, and moments later they would regret it. Swansea came back down, and Andre Ayew laid the ball off for Ki. The South Korean midfielder that was on our radar in January sent a low shot that looked to take forever to get through the crowd in the box. For that reason it didn’t initially look too worrisome. When it rolled past a seemingly static Adrian and into the net, the worry was very real.

Swansea 1
West Ham 0

Swansea kept up the attack in the 16th minute when Ki won a free kick 30 yards from goal. He sent a lobbed cross into the box that Mawson was able to head towards Adrian and force a corner. The delivery came into the box, bounced around, and landed at the feet of Fernandez right in front of Adrian. The keeper made the initial stop, and when Fernandez got the ball back it looked headed into the net for a second Swansea goal. But Rice cleared the ball off the line. The relief of that moment was quickly replaced by the agony of seeing Reid down with a knee injury that saw him stretchered off and replaced by Byram. On the bright side, Fonte lost 8-0 on his debut in China.

By the time the first forty five was half over, the number of little skirmishes had reached a point where the idea of either team finishing with eleven looked less and less likely. Not that it would matter, because in the 32nd minute van deer Hoorn beat Rice to get on the end of a corner and head it past a shell shocked Adrian.

Swansea 2
West Ham 0

My best mate Jon texted me to announce he had seen enough and was done for the day. I gave it some thought. We looked inept. Apathetic. Asleep, even. Even with sixty percent of the ball we seemed unlikely to score if we played against nine men for a week. To highlight at least my lethargy, when Noble was shown yellow for no contact on King, I wasn’t even fazed.

In the second minute of ten minutes of added time, Kouyate lost the ball in midfield. It’s hard to describe exactly how. He was alone, and then the ball bounced from his foot to his chest and then to a guy in white. You probably wouldn’t see that in FIFA. The ball rolled to Ki, who let fly from 30 yards but it went high over the bar. Then Arnautovic was called for a foiled born clearly from frustration.

I know how he felt.

Halftime
Swansea 2
West Ham 0

I was in the car talking to Nigel when Swansea scored their third. He told me we were unlucky in that Adrian made the initial save off the corner. But, he pointed out, Ayew got a head on the ball without even jumping in what he called “shocking defending”. I parked my car at my daughters school and reluctantly put the game back on.

West Ham should have pulled one back in the 58th minute when Arnautovic was played in by Noble. But instead of taking a quick shot with his left he tried to play the ball back to his right foot, and by the time he did Fabianski read it perfectly and stopped it with ease.

On the day when everything that could go wrong did go wrong, Kouyate got a leg into Andre Ayew in the box and down he went. Atkinson pointed at the spot, the other Ayew slammed it home, and I turned it off. Twitter told me about Antonio.

Final Score
Swansea 4
West Ham 1

If we do go down, it will be nothing less than our Board deserve. But I cannot help but think that they will find a way to benefit from that, and that’s what irks me the most. Remember that idiotic interview Sullivan gave to Jacob Steinberg in which he heaped praise upon himself for coming back up after relegation? As if it was not a blight on his record? It’s like watching a crook profit, or the bully be popular at school. The very idea of basic fairness flies out the window.

I only wish Sullivan, Brady, and Gold would follow.

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