Guest post by Voice of Reason
Despite all of the obstacles that have been put in our path, the Infirm City Firm has limped its way to the end of 2017 and is still alive (just) and kicking (very weakly).
The other members of the Executive Board (me, BSB and Russ) are rather concerned about the Big Fella (Safehands) who has missed a few matches. We thought it was due to filming and location issues but a pattern seems to be emerging and the games that are missed are all north of Watford.
A strange situation which we need to get to the bottom of. Although Safehands managed to come to West Brom, absence was recorded in the register for Burnley and Stoke and it will be a similar situation for the Cup game at Shrewsbury and for Huddersfield.
Anyway, in a sort of diarised format, this is what has happened over the past three months.
Sat 17th Sept – West Brom away
2 cars needed as the attendance figures go up!
BSB & Safehands took Irons 1959 whilst Russ drove CRB and myself. Also met Dan Coker in the pub and Carlinsir and his missus, who we managed to get tickets for, before the game which was a “turgid” (Russ’s description) goalless draw. I have never seen a home team set up as blatantly for a draw as West Brom did. And it’s not as if they were playing a top team. It’s very easy to understand their fans thoughts about Tony Pulis and his negative, old school football. That man sure does love a central defender. Or about six of them to be honest.
Not a lot else to say.
Sat 14th October – Burnley away
VoR, BSB and CRB in attendance and we also met David Murray there having managed to get him a ticket, plus a ticket for Nigel’s nephew Billy who lives oop north.
We went into Burnley Cricket Club which is adjacent to the football ground. They open up their car park and bars for away fans and is a great location for a pre-match pint. Some of our youngsters were a total embarrassment with some really fouls songs about Karren Brady. She’s far from my favourite person but these were not funny and not clever – that’s both the songs and the kids. This was all in front of families and female staff at the Cricket Club. We really do have our share of pillocks.
Going to Burnley shows that modern football does not have to be completely sanitised. Their ground has been upgraded in recent years but is still a “proper” football ground in the centre of town with a great atmosphere and a good bunch of fans. Would prefer to watch games there every week rather than at our mausoleum.
BSB’s in-car catering included Scotch Eggs and Pork Pies as well as ham and beef rolls. In a chill box. This is almost at corporate catering level now!
A 1-1 draw – which we would have all taken before the game – could (and should) have been 3 points. Only Andy Carroll’s sending off in the first half when we were one up stopped that happening. Officially he was sent off for two yellow cards but in reality it was for being stupid.
Bonus points for BSB for the catering but a yellow card for forgetting to take the flag.
Sat 28th October – Crystal Palace away.
VoR, BSB, Safehands, Nigel, Russ all rolled up for this one and we finally got the flag into the ground and hung on the railings, although I’m not sure it was very visible. Getting it in took some time as there were West Ham stewards demanding to see every flag. They were looking for the “Board Out” one that had been at Wembley for the Spurs Caribou Cup game and it still got in and was unfurled at the end of the game.
2-0 up at half time (a touch flattering) with two great goals from Hernandez and Ayew but we gave away a needless penalty early in the second half (Ogbonna) and then came under the cosh. Hart showed that he is still a very good keeper with a string of saves. They hit the woodwork twice and then scored in the 97th minute (even though Bobby Madman had only added 6 minutes – see later comments about this clown) due to Antonio’s lack of football intelligence. He could have kept the ball in the corner but gave it away with a weak cross and Palace went up the other end and scored.
A very disappointing finale but a neutral would have said that Palace deserved at least a point.
Beer in plastic bottles and rubbish food in Selhurst Park and, as always seems to happen at Palace, every West Ham ‘erbert decided to go. We really to have some twats follow us.
But we also have some very considerate people like a Mr Nigel Kahn, formerly of Canning Tahn who is always happy to help.
Sun 19th November – Watford away.
Following the long drawn out will he go / won’t he go Slaven Bilic saga, VoR, BSB, Safehands and Nigel were in attendance for the first game of the Davis Moyes reign and we deservedly lost. 2-0.
No heart, no pace, no difference really. Even Andy Carroll was still throwing his arms into opposition faces and could have been sent off in the first minute. He wasn’t even booked for that but got a yellow card later in the first half and it was a surprise that he came out in the second half as seemed like a red card waiting to happen. He was eventually replaced by Sakho.
For the first time this season the away fans really turned on the club – in the form of the owners and, to a lesser extent, the players generally and Carroll in particular. The “offensive” flag managed to breach security and duly appeared to be followed by a “debate” between the flag’s owners and the West Ham stewards.
We had our flag but decided against showing it. I hid behind Safehands for safety’s sake.
For the first time relegation seemed like a distinct possibility but Safehand’s Ginger Shortbread was the highlight of the day and we did “stay til the end” which was more than Carroll did.
I’m afraid that inappropriate behaviour by one of our number has to be reported. Comments like that to 15 year old girls manning the car park at the Girls Grammar School will not be tolerated. This person knows who he is and we all hope he has learned his lesson. You are not an MP or a film producer and you will do well to remember that.
Sat 16th December – Stoke away
BSB, VoR, Russ and Barney travelled up without Safehands as Stoke is a bit of a way up the M6.
We met Carlinsir and his wife at Longton Rugby Club having picked Dan Coker up from Stoke station first.
As usual, the rugby club was most welcoming. £5 to park, cheap beer and a burger. No complaints there.
Our first away game since Watford as we decided to give Everton (midweek, cold, crap ground) and Man City (decided to hide behind the sofa instead) a miss. Everton was a good decision (4-0 loss) but we did well at City and were unlucky no to get something from the game.
So, following home games against Chelsea (1-0 win) and Arsenal (0-0 draw) this, in some ways was a test of how we would play against a lesser team.
But the first test was for Stoke’s electrician as a complete power outage meant the game kicked off an hour late. Waiting outside in the cold wasn’t the greatest way to spend an hour but even that did not justify the moron who shouted “open the fu***ng gates you c**ts”. Amazingly, despite being told by a bloke with a megaphone, he was too bereft of brain to understand that the turnstiles were not working and it was pitch dark inside the ground and therefore dangerous. Plus, of course, there was no football. This was all from a middle aged man with a small boy. What a role model. (Thinking later, I wonder whether it was the same small boy who sat behind me at Bournemouth who is mentioned further down the article. Probably not, as there are a lot of them around).
Any road up, excellent performance ending in a 3-0 win. Arnautovic baited the Stoke crowd and the laughingly misnamed “Sparky” Hughes and the whole team played well including the Ginger Pele, back from injury and revelling in a game where the opposition just lumped it into our penalty area for him to head away.
There was the first full away airing of “Arthurs Song” (Arthur Masuaku, he’s better than Lukaku”). Genius. And Lanzini got a retrospective ban for diving when winning the penalty that led to the opening goal.
A reasonable car boot buffet was produced by Barney (Mrs Barney?) although it has been noted that there were no pork pies, resulting in the fully deserved “must do better” comment on Mr McGrew’s end of year report.
The flag couldn’t make it due to Christmas shopping.
Tues 19th December – Arsenal away (Caribou Cup)
A worse game than West Brom away. Concentrate on the league. That’s it.
Tuesday 26th December (Boxing Day) – Bournemouth away
VoR, BSB, Safehands and Russ gave up the armchairs, turkey sandwiches and mulled wine to travel to one of Britain’s premier holiday resorts in the dead of winter.
Good News and Bad News
Good: Car Park still only £1, we got a point although, on overall play, we didn’t deserve it, Arnie scored two more goals, the IFCF Secret Santa thingy at the Services on the way home (next year I’m going to get Safehands a whippet or a ferret), giving a mince pie to a complete stranger in the Services and leaving another one on the table for the first homeless person / greedy bastard to help himself to.
Bad: Accidents on the M25 and M3, non-stop rain, high winds, a kid of about 10 years old behind me (with his father!) who shouted “You F***ing C**t” at least 100 times over the course of the game in his high pitched voice and, worst of all, the Bobby Madley Show.
We’ve been on the wrong end of some of this idiot’s decisions a few times (see Palace game above) but this time he excelled himself by allowing a 93rd minute “equaliser” to stand despite it being offside and handball both of which he gave from his position on the edge of the penalty area.
I’ve watched him on TV against other teams and this wasn’t isolated bad refereeing. The Madman is just not a good referee. This time he seemed to take a perverse pleasure in allowing the goal and his smirking face has invaded my dreams ever since. If referees were allowed to speak to the media, and explain some of their more contentious decisions, there would be a far greater appreciation of them from sensible fans at least. I doubt it would change that horrible little ‘erbert who sat behind me.
I would love to hear Madley’s explanation of his decision at Bournemouth as I can’t imagine what he could possible say to justify his actions. So we lose 2 points and he will probably rock up at a match in a few days and spoil another few thousand peoples day.
So it will be a new year when we next venture to fields far away, more in hope than expectation. We are off to Shrewsbury and Huddersfield (first time for both those grounds) in January to watch the start of our run to Wembley and our climb to safety.
Thanks to all of the Infirm City Firm for their company and their catering skills and particular thanks to both BSB and Russ for their driving.
And a very Happy New Year to you all.