The Mike Ireson Column

I don’t want to depress you on a Sunday but it is only nine and a bit weeks till Christmas.

In the blink of eye you’ll be slumped in the armchair, wearing the Christmas badge of honour (a nice big gravy stain), regretting drinking quite so early, wishing Aunt Edna would lay off the sherry and stop bemoaning the ever increasing price of American tan tights, throwing down the bumper edition of the Radio Times, proclaiming to the dog (as he is the only one still listening to you) that there is absolutely nothing worth watching on telly.

But hopefully you will be slightly content that your nearest and dearest have been kind and thoughtful enough to have filled your stocking with something West Ham related.

I advise you start thinking now. Don’t leave it to chance. You don’t want to be unwrapping some moody scarf and glove set, or a “World’s Greatest West Ham Fan” mug that has clearly come from Romford market via a sweatshop somewhere in darkest Asia.

You my friends need a list. A list of claret and blue delights. But what to put on the list?

Well this week I have been trawling the underbelly of eBay to find a few of the more unusual West Ham items for your Christmas list consideration.

You’ve been good this year haven’t you? Santa should probably up the anti and be looking at a big gift. So let’s go top end. What’s the most expensive West Ham related product listed this week?

Well for £12,250, and granted you are going to need a bigger stocking than usual, you could be unwrapping (for quite some time) this beauty.

Now I know what you’re thinking. It’s a very non claret and blue looking caravan. And you’d be right.

But on the back of this mobile goliath is this.

Ok so you’re not sure Aunt Edna can stretch to affording the caravan, so sticking on the motoring theme how about a personalised plate on your pride and joy?

£4,950 would secure you this beauty.

Not sure how happy I’d be to leave the motor parked in a side street on an away trip to Villa Park but you wouldn’t be able to help yourself cruising up and down Green Street at 2.30pm at every home game.

Ok, I’m stretching the wallet here, so let’s come down in price and I know this will appeal to Hammers fans of a certain age. For 120 of your earth pounds Santa could bring you this ……….

Oh yes. West Ham Action Man. If you’re over 35 I bet you want that. Badly.

Coming down in price a bit more, some serious memorabilia. For £69.99 a copy of the Daily Mirror after the first Wembley cup final in 1923 in which we starred. Pictures of the stadium and injured fans in hospital being tended to by very serious looking nurses and a doctor.

Now I mentioned moody gear from Romford market earlier and here is a prime example. £24.99 will secure you this badge.

And I’m sure you will agree, West Ham (no copyright infringing United here) are magic.

This next one is truly a delight. 5 Sun soccercards from 1978. Now I’m no artist but…………..

Mr Brush and Mr Ferguson just about get away with it. Alan Curbishley has his name spelt wrongly along with what looks like an eye wound akin to something 1066 like.
But then we have David Cross. It looks like someone has just used the same picture from the ’50 greatest serial killers from the 20th century’ pack and rubbed out ‘Yorkshire Ripper’ and replaced it with ‘D.Cross’.

And Alan Devonshire? 3 words. Road. Traffic. Accident.

But I have saved my best till last. It will cost you £125 to buy this badge from what I imagine will be the 1970’s/80’s.

I dare anyone to weave that turn of phrase in to any conversation this week.

Merry Christmas.