WHAT ARE YOU DOING BETWEEN NOW AND TUESDAY EVENING?
I do beg your pardon, I appear to be SHOUTING at you for no apparent REASON.
That is because I know that between now and Tuesday evening you will at some stage view Sky Sports News. Whether for 5 minutes or a longer time, you won’t be able to help yourself.
As we approach TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY, you, like I, will be suckered in to tuning in just in case there is some transfer news. Will we sign Adebayor on loan? Will we take some random we haven’t heard of off the hands of some Serie A club? Will Lionel Messi realise Upton Park is his true calling?
To try and instil some kind of excitement in to their coverage which has been dedicated to TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY for what seems like longer than the gestation period of an elephant, the presenters have to periodically SHOUT at you to snap you out of your boredom induced haze as nothing happens for hours on end.
Promises of ‘EXCLUSIVES’, ‘UP TO THE MINUTE NEWS’, ‘DONE DEALS’ thrown at you like an unexpected kebab on a drunken night, verbally slapping you in to submission and apathy.
Constant link ups to various grounds and training facilities where brave reporters tell you every fifteen minutes that nothing has happened there but ‘SENIOR SOURCES’ have promised something will happen.
You and I know that ‘SENIOR SOURCES’ are either a) bloke in pub or b) the security guard keeping said reporter from getting anywhere near either ground or training facility.
The most exciting thing the reporter and her cameraman at QPR had to offer us a few deadline days ago was the EXCLUSIVE footage of a delivery man from Domino’s lugging in enough pizzas to feed an army.
This of course meant SOMETHING EXCITING was going to happen, maybe not now but later if that amount of food was being delivered. Really? Doesn’t it just mean people were hungry?
Then there is the small throngs of fans who turn up to stand behind the reporters and gurn at the camera, wave to their mum’s and social workers, and just generally make you wish you had a gun and the ability to shoot through the screen.
God bless the people at Sky Sports for trying to make this a spectacle that clearly isn’t. Days of live TV to fill where absolutely nothing interesting happens is a big ask.
Their trump card is presenter Jim White. They will trail all day that he will be anchoring the last few hours. So Jim must be the one that has all the info? The brains? The best broadcaster?
No – he’s the best SHOUTER.
“DONT GO AWAY”
“EVERY MOVE AS IT HAPPENS” etc etc. Barking at the audience (and the studio crew) to try and keep them awake and interested.
“PIZZA DELIVERY IMINENT”
Then the constant checks of social media. As West Ham fans we know the best information will come from the twitter account of Sullivan minor. This then relayed by Sky Sports as if they were the only ones to have access to it.
If Gareth Bale were to tweet he had just enjoyed a full English for his breakfast this would be interpreted as his ‘YEARNING FOR A MOVE BACK TO ENGLAND’
Before Jim takes the helm they will inevitably cut to a shot of him behind the scenes feverishly talking in to his mobile phone. Getting the scoop from a manager/player/agent? Nope that will be Mrs White at the other end reminding him the local Tesco express is open till late and they are running a bit low on butter, and if they have some of those nice mint ice creams she is fond of to pick up one of those up too.
So if you wonder between now and Tuesday evening what is happening, I’ll tell you, probably NOTHING AT ALL
I’m done – EXCLUSIVE.