A group of young men, a shared ambition that through skilful management and marketing of their moderate talent is realised, bringing them vast amounts of wealth, fame and fans. And then, it unravels, leaving those fans distraught and talent scouts on the hunt for a replacement package that will fill venues, sell tickets and associated products from pencil cases to signed posters.
They say it’s not a permanent break up, they just need space to pursue their own interests rather than together. One report called it an ‘extended hiatus’.
So, since when did West Ham take their lead from One Direction because we certainly seem to be in an extended hiatus? I can’t claim any knowledge or particular interest in boy bands – the nearest we had to that in my day was The Monkees but unlike the pop industry, footballers can’t rely on a back catalogue, a best of album or promises of a reunion concert. Footballers are only as good as their last game and after dismal performances against Leicester and Bournemouth, West Ham’s current line up wouldn’t even get to an audition in front of Simon Cowell if they were a boy band.
Of course, newly promoted Bournemouth have the hunger, ambition and self belief to fight all the way. Whether that energy is sustained throughout the season or they soar and burn as so many promoted clubs do remains to be seen but they will remember being promoted, every game and quite rightly, be immensely proud of their achievements.
We, on the other hand are already looking like a one hit wonder with the win against Arsenal and the highlights video little more than a clip. Unless something changes pretty soon, the ‘best of’ album will be the length of a phone text alert.
There are others on these pages who are far more adept at analysing the on pitch failings, the lack of formation, defence and strategy but for me, there seems to be a fundamental problem of just not caring enough. The excuses, the injury lists, the ‘we’ll turn it around’ post match interviews are already wearing thin and it’s not even the end of August.
So, let’s return to the boy band analogy. It can’t be artistic differences as there’s pitifully little artistry evident. Needing a bit more space is fine but not when that space is for the opposition to exploit. Pursuing other interests and a solo career? Eminently possible for most of our lot if they carry on like this. Had enough of living in the celebrity spotlight? Implausible – there’s no stardust or glitter in the way we’re playing right now. Sadly, we wouldn’t even make a third rate tribute band in a half empty pub on a wet Wednesday.
I don’t claim to have the answer but neither, it appears, does Bilic. If all else fails, what about the old fashioned idea that it’s your job. Frankly, if the thousands of us who commit to the club, mentally, physically, emotionally and financially did our jobs as poorly we’d be looking at multiple discounts for unemployed people to fill the Boleyn, let alone the new stadium.
Apparently One Direction have been accused of plagiarism for their song Drag Me Down. I think they must have been inspired by West Ham this August.