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David Hautzig's Match Report

Newcastle 2, West Ham 0. Finished With A Whimper.

What did I want today? Of course a West Ham victory is what I want every time. In theory. But hey, I’m human. The idea of Mo Diame going down after his various temper tantrums while with us did make me smile. Yet at the same time, watching the train wreck that is Newcastle speed into the abyss also had its appeal. It stimulated the same part of the brain that vibrates when watching reality TV shows about natural disasters. In the end a funnel cloud and Mike Ashley aren’t that different. With all that was riding on today’s fixture at St. James Park, it says something that the only memorable and significant part of the match from West Ham’s point of view came three minutes or so after the final whistle.

Newcastle began the match with far more purpose and endeavor than West Ham. In the 2nd minute, Cisse made a run down the right side and passed to Riviere in the box. Riviere sent a low shot across the goalmouth but nobody was there to tap it in. Five minutes later Riviere was again on the end of a ball from Cisse but his overhead attempt went wide. In the 12th minute, Janmaat moved up to join the attack but his long range effort was deflected by Nolan and into the arms of Adrian. Then in the 17th he worked a one-two with Riviere before sending the ball into the heart of the box. Gutierrez got to the ball and fired but his shot was blocked. Janmaat got on the end of the rebound but sent his low shot wide of the far post. If Newcastle had not been in such dire straits and were playing with confidence they might have been up by a goal or two.

The Hammers began asking a few questions…well, maybe only one… in the 24th minute when Song sent a lovely pass out wide for Cresswell who then sent Downing into the box past the Newcastle back line. Tim Krul came out to cut off the angle, however, and made the save.

Newcastle continued to create half chances. In the 32nd minute Janmaat continued his strong attacking play when he overlapped with Riviere and sent a pass into the area intended for the Frenchman that was mis-hit and rolled to Adrian. A few minutes later Newcastle were awarded a free kick after a foul on Cisse by Reid, but Colback’s delivery was pathetic and didn’t even come close to the penalty area. In the 40th minute, Colback made a decent run down the left and sent a cross into the area but Janmaat’s header sailed high over the bar. Finally, in the only minute of added time, it was Janmaat again at the center of the action. He sprinted down the right before cutting into the center. His shot, however, didn’t match the buildup and rolled harmlessly wide for a goal kick

Halftime. Newcastle 0, West Ham 0.

Remember when Robbie Keane somehow managed to miss an easy tap in against Villa late in the season under Moron Grant? That’s what I thought of in the 51st minute. Anita passed to Janmaat, who did well to beat the challenge of Cresswell and find himself wide open. He sent a terrific pass right onto the feet of Riviere right in front of goal. Missing it was in some ways harder than tapping it in. But missed it he did and the ball rolled harmlessly wide.

Three minutes, Newcastle got the goal that released the pressure cooker that was St. James Park. Gutierrez sent a cross into the box that Sissoko was able to head home, beating both Reid and Cresswell.

The next twenty minutes seemed to glide by without anything notable, or even memorable, happening on the pitch. In that time, Sam was able to make his final odd substitutions as West Ham manager. Down a goal and you took off the striker you’re playing wide for another midfielder? A straight swap of central defenders? At least Lee was given some dignity. If Hull had managed to score and a draw by us would have kept them up, me thinks Brucey would have given his mate Sam a beatin’.

West Ham had their only chance of the second half in the 80th minute when Cole laid the ball off for Nolan but his chance for his 100th EPL goal but it sailed wide of the far post.

Newcastle put the game on ice in the 85th minute when Gutierrez sent a left footed effort from outside the area that deflected off Jenkinson before settling into the bottom corner of the net. Considering what he has gone through recently, it was nice on a human level to see.

Final Score. Newcastle 2, West Ham 0.

And that concludes the first season of Match Reports By Some American Guy. I’ve enjoyed being that much more immersed in the world of West Ham United, and I hope you enjoyed my somewhat quirky style. It was Iain’s desire to have a different type of report on his site, and that’s what I tried to provide. If our fearless leader is so inclined, I’ll do it again next season.

Come On You Irons.

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