Having been issued with a restraining order by solicitors acting on behalf of West Ham United FC Until I Am Declared Clinically Dead plc (the parent company of WHTID) I am now legally bound to come up with a piece that will be neither divisive nor depressing.
So I will not be writing about Sam Allardyce this week. Nor will I be mentioning Kevin Nolan, Karren Brady, or the Olympic Stadium (it appears from the summons I have in front of me I am officially constrained from moaning about the move to Stratford again until West Ham have won another game at Upton Park).
Take that lot out of the equation and it doesn’t leave a columnist much to work with. So this week I am going to explore a rather esoteric subject that may be unfamiliar territory to our younger readers. It’s called Goals For.
Hard to believe I know, but there was a time a goal meant something other than our dejected keeper picking the ball out of the net while his defenders give one another sheepish/accusative looks and the supporters sigh as one. In the dim and distant past it wasn’t entirely unheard of for one of our brave lads to disturb the opposition’s onion bag, resulting in much joy for those of us with flat caps and rattles (you may have seen black and white newsreel footage supporting my case on the History Channel).
Therefore, I am suggesting we take a trip down Recollection Road (Memory Lane has been sold to private developers and is now a gated community with limited social housing) and relive some great West Ham goals – if for no other reason than we could all do with a bit of cheering up right now.
The impending visit of Saturday’s opponents is a good place to start. West Ham 8 Sunderland 0 – how I would have loved to have been at that game back in 1968. This, of course, was the match in which Geoff Hurst scored six. There are pedants who will tell you it was really only five because the first one was handball, but I really don’t think it’s right and proper for the hoi polloi to accuse a knight of the realm of cheating. Remember, we are talking about Sir Geoff Hurst here.
We’ve all got our favourite goals – and I very much hope that before everyone goes home you will share yours with the rest of the class. But, before you do, here is my top 10 – in reverse order, naturally. (You know how these things work as well as I do). Oh, and I’ve only allowed myself one goal per player – don’t ask me why.
No 10: Paul Ince v Liverpool (1988) A controversial choice, I accept. It was a League Cup game against Liverpool in 1988. They were reigning champions while we were destined for relegation. I was bang in line with Ince when he soared into the air on the edge of the box to hit one of the sweetest volleys ever seen at Upton Park to put us one up. We went on to win 4-1 with a performance that made a mockery of how appalling we were in the league that year. Oh, West Ham, why do you do things like that to us loyal supporters?
No 9: Dean Ashton v Man City (2006) This was in the sixth round of the FA Cup at Eastlands. With four minutes to go to the interval Ashton won the ball with a deft header which he then brought under control without letting it bounce. There was a one-two with Matty Etherington and a flick from Nigel Reo-Coker before he turned Sylvain Distin inside out and smashed the ball past Calamity James. Not only was this a brilliant goal, I’ve included it in lieu of all the other goals Deano would have scored for us if his career hadn’t been cut short by injury. I truly believe he could have gone on to be a West Ham great.
No 8: Anton Ferdinand v Fulham (2006) Fulham were arguably having the better of things before we were awarded a corner, which was cleared to the edge of the area – from where Ferdinand unleashed an astonishing volley that was a goal from the moment it left his boot. This one is for defenders everywhere, but only got in after careful consideration was given to marginally less spectacular volleys by Colin Foster against Everton in the FA Cup (1991) and Winston Reid v Millwall in the Championship (2012).
No 7: Bobby Zamora v Ipswich (2005) Mention the words “play off” to Zamora and it’s as if someone has pressed the on-button in his brain. Before scoring the winning goal for us in the play-off final against Preston, he got two in the second leg of the semis at Portman Road. His second was a blinder – Marlon Harewood won the ball in our half, went on a blistering run that involved a one-two with Reo-Coker, and then put in a snorter of a cross, which Zamora put away with a superb cushioned volley. I still say Bobby never got the recognition he deserved from many West Ham supporters.
No 6: Mark Noble v Spurs (2007) The goal came after Carlos Tevez brilliantly chested the ball into Noble’s path, allowing him to volley home from the edge of the area. (Tevez then went on to score his first goal for us with a brilliant free kick that kissed the underside of the bar on the way in.) In truth, I have seen more memorable goals but I’ve included it because (a) we all love Mark Noble and (b) it might remind him that he used to score from open play once in a while.
No 5: Carlos Tevez v Man Utd (2007) This, of course, was the Great Escape game at Old Trafford. I’m not pretending the goal was a classic in itself, but its importance cannot be overstated – if only for the look on Dave Whelan’s face as Wigan got relegated. (Remind me to give you a summary of the Office of Fair Trading’s 237-page report into price fixing by JJB Sports some time; the man who so vociferously accused us of cheating does not come out of that at all well.)
No 4. Trevor Brooking v Arsenal (1980) Okay, this wasn’t exactly a contender for goal of the season either – and Sir Trev could easily point to any number of games in which he scored with breath-taking efforts (Eintracht Frankfurt for starters). But any goal that wins you the Cup when you go into the final as such massive underdogs as we did against the Gooners has to be on anyone’s list of favourites.
No 3. Ronnie Boyce v Preston North End (1964) Another goal to win an FA Cup final. I had taken the life-changing decision to support West Ham in the run-up to the game. Ticker had scored twice in the semi-final to get us to Wembley, and his last-minute winner against Preston cemented that decision. However, this was three weeks before my eighth birthday and boys that age have been known to change their minds. Who knows if I would be a Hammer today if he hadn’t put away Peter Brabrook’s cross and West Ham had lost in extra time? Sorry. Did someone just call me a glory-hunter?
No 2: Geoff Hurst v Chelsea (1967) The game, at Stamford Bridge, was the first time I saw West Ham in the flesh. I should be able to remember the opening goal, which was scored by Brian Dear, but for the life of me I can’t picture it at all. I do, however, remember Hurst heading home after Bobby Moore had crossed from near the corner flag. We won 3-1. You’ll have to excuse me for a moment. I’m getting all misty-eyed just thinking about it again.
Okay, that’s nine out of the 10, and we are missing some big names on this particular scoresheet. No Bobby Moore, Martin Peters, Billy Bonds, Tony Cottee or Frank McAvennie? What about unsung heroes such as Kevin Keen, Geoff Pike, Paul Goddard, Graham Paddon and Patsy Holland? (Holland’s equaliser in the dying minutes against Hereford in a 1974 Cup tie could well be my No 11). Pop Robson and Clyde Best both came close, but didn’t make the final list. Even Carlton Cole, Jimmy Quinn and David Cross nearly got a look-in (Ted MacDougall didn’t). But we all know if you haven’t made the cut by now you are never going to, because there really can only ever be one winner in the competition for the greatest West Ham goal of all time.
It is my considered opinion Paolo Di Canio is as mad as a box of frogs, but there is no denying the man could do things on a football field that mere mortals can only ever dream of. Which means:
No 1: PDC v Wimbledon (2000) I don’t really need to describe this, do I? Just close the old mince pies for a moment and picture that cross from Trevor Sinclair. Now envisage Di Canio: the run, the leap, the volley, the orgasmic ecstasy as the ball hits the net.
I know you’ve all seen it a thousand times before, but to misquote Samuel Johnson: “If you’re tired of reliving it, you are tired of life.”
And it that hasn’t whetted your appetite for Saturday, I really don’t know what will.
IAIN WRITES: As a Guardian journalist, Brian is somewhat peeved that his book NEARLY REACH THE SKY – A FAREWELL TO UPTON PARK, is one place below Nigel Farage in the current Biteback list of bestsellers. You could cheer him up enormously by ordering your copy HERE. I won’t tell Nigel if you won’t. I should also tell you that Nigel’s book is No 27 in the Amazon chart. Brian’s is No 19,209. He blames me. Personally. Keeps muttering about sending Cass Pennant round.