West Ham Till I Die
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Shut Up If You Love West Ham

Sorry. Really didn’t think I’d be gone that long. The queues downstairs were murder. How long have they been playing?

Of course I know I missed a goal – I heard the cheering when I was in the gents.

A few people in this row could do with lightening up a bit. You’d think none of them had ever got back to their seat late from the looks I just got. Why do you always insist on going in the Alpari Upper anyway?

You know they’ll have to change the name now, don’t you? Who’d have thought anyone would ever decouple the Swiss franc from the euro?

No, I don’t know what that means either. I read it in the Guardian. But apparently it’s why Alpari has gone bust.

Long way up, isn’t it? I thought I was going to have a flaming heart attack climbing those stairs. And it’s a bit quiet for my liking. Don’t they ever sing up here?

WE ARE WEST HAM’S CLARET AND BLUE ARMY!

Don’t look at me like that! I’m allowed to make a racket if I want – it’s a football match, not a West End theatre.

COME ON YOOOOU IRONS!

Mind you, if we had been at a play it might not have taken me so long to get served. Did you know that at the theatre you can pre-order your drinks at the start of the evening. You pay up front and they leave them for you on a table at half time.

No of course people don’t nick ’em! It’s got to be better than the stuff they serve here too. Those couple of ciders I’ve just had were so sweet I can feel my teeth rotting as we speak. And the hot dog comes in that fancy French bread. What do they call it?

Brioche – yeah, that’s it. You wouldn’t believe the price! Someone’s taking a diabolical liberty if you ask me.

WE ALL FOLLOW THE WEST HAM, OVER LAND AND SEA
WE ALL FOLLOW THE WEST HAM

What do you mean, I’m embarrassing you?

ALTOGETHER NOW!

It’s your own fault. I don’t see what you’ve got against the Trevor Brooking Lower anyway.

They all stand up? Of course they stand – we’re at football. Now if this was a civilised country like Germany we’d be allowed to stand up. They call it safe standing. Some of the seats fold back and can be locked away so you’re able to stand in front of them. You even get a rail to lean on – a bit like the old crash barriers on the terraces.

I know it was better to have the rail at your back so when the pushing started you didn’t get squashed, but now you’re just splitting hairs. Remember how we all used to have a knees-up when that happened!

No, I’m not going to start singing Knees Up Mother Brown. I don’t want you choking on your prawn sandwich.

How about “South Bank, South Bank Do Your Job!” That’d confuse a few of this lot. You feeling all right? You’ve gone a funny colour.

So what did you do at half time?

That all? I don’t know why you still bother with a programme. It was different when you needed one to find out the scores from other games, but I can’t see the point now. Not at £3.50 a pop. There’s nothing in it worth reading. I like that Steve Marsh, but that’s about it. What was wrong with Hammer anyway? Used to have some good pictures in it, did Hammer. Now old Stevie Bacon – there was a proper photographer. Fair play to him – he’s lost a lot of weight in recent years. Couldn’t stand Pardew apparently. Not that that surprises me.

GREAT BALL STEWIE!

What we need is a bit of half-time entertainment if you ask me. Wonder what happened to the Hammerettes?

Of course I’m not suggesting we get them back. But we could get some of the celebrity supporters to do a couple of numbers. A sort of mini Live Aid. Iron Maiden would liven things up a bit! Or what about Pixie Lott – I like her. Can’t understand why she didn’t win Strictly – she was brilliant. Her top line is exquisite. And her Paso Doble was second to none. You’re giving me that look again. You want to give Strictly a go mate, it’s brilliant when you get into it.

Still can’t believe Pixie didn’t win – I had a pony on her at 11/4.

ARE YOU KIDDING LINO – HE WAS WELL ONSIDE!

Funny place to watch football from, up here. Go any higher and you’d need an oxygen mask. S’pose it’s good practice for the Olympic Stadium though.

What do you mean – don’t start all that again? I’m just saying, that’s all.

But while we’re on the subject. The move to the OS – it’ll all end in tears you know. Would you sell your house and then go and rent a penthouse flat? Of course not! What happens when the money runs out? It makes no financial sense at all. And no one’s thought about the supporters. Have you ever tried getting a pie and a pint in Stratford? You used to be able to get yourself a good kicking in that shopping centre car park after dark, but not much else. And what idiot decided to name the fancy new bar in the OS “The Boleyn”? The Boleyn! Haven’t been in there for years, but I bet they haven’t done the place up since we won the Cup Winners’ Cup. Something tells me Karren Brady doesn’t pop in there for a quick gin and tonic with the two Daves after a hard day at the office.

They probably walk up to the Denmark!

All right, keep you hair on – what little you’ve got left.

I beg to differ my friend: I do not “continually bang on” about the OS. You’ll be sorry when I’m proved right though.

Why don’t we try to get some seats a few rows further back next time? Then I can use that set of binoculars the kids bought me for my birthday. At least they’ll come in handy at the OS. Might get myself a megaphone as well.

HE SCORES WHEN HE WANTS
HE SCORES WHEN HE WANTS
ADRIAAAAAAN
HE SCORES WHEN HE WANTS

Still can’t get over that penalty shoot-out! How good was that? It was the way he took off his gloves just before he started his run-up. Never looked like missing. Fan-bloody-tastic! Why didn’t Tomkins take one though? They were down to 10 men – they had to use their keeper. But we didn’t. Still, who cares?

Of course … if we’d been behind the goal we’d have had a better view than we got from up here.

No, I’m not saying we have to go in the Trevor Brooking Lower every time. But I’m not going to scale the north face of the Eiger every time we come to football. Besides, we’re not going to be at Upton Park much longer. God, I’m going to miss this place. What we need to do before we go is make sure we sit on all four sides at least once – upper and lower.

All right, we can’t go in the family section without commandeering someone else’s nipper – but you’re just splitting hairs again.

Yeah, okay, I’ll shut up. But only if you agree we go in the East Stand next time. Come on – you used to like the Chicken Run.

You don’t have to tell me – I know it’s not the same now they’ve got seats. Still a good laugh in there though. Remember how you used to be able to reach out and almost touch the lino? Or ask him if he knew where his missus was at that precise moment! Won’t be able to do that at the OS.

You will? Great – that’s a deal then.

Don’t worry mate, you won’t get another peep out of me until the full-time whistle. Honest.

But I’m going to get this lot singing if it kills me.

I’M FOREVER BLOWING BUBBLES

*Brian’s book NEARLY REACH THE SKY – A FAREWELL TO UPTON PARK will be published in February, and he will be doing a signing at the Newham Bookshop prior to the Crystal Palace match. You can preorder the book HERE

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