You know what today’s match against Southampton reminded me of? A blind date with someone you knew when you were, I don’t know, eight years old. You know them, but you don’t really know them. They bear very little resemblance to the person you knew way back then. We all know how they have been decimated over the summer, so no need to recite all of the names again. But the last time I saw something get torn apart like the Saints have been this past window I was completely freaked out by Rutger Hauer in that movie The Hitcher. Remember? He had the guy’s girlfriend tied between two trucks going in opposite directions? Gas pedals down, and it was all over. Nasty.
There is a kind of sibling rivalry now between West Ham and Southampton since we came up together from The Championship that adds a little bit of pepper to our matches. The only new members I was curious to see were Graziano Pelle and Dusan Tadic. The former because one of my Twitter mates, @RockyWhu, had spoken highly of him early in the summer and expressed his hope we would get him. The latter because of endless rumours we were trying to sign him on loan. And as is my mentality, because we didn’t get either of them I want to see them fail miserably at anything and everything they do.
Match days don’t usually fill me with joy and anticipation. More a mix of terror and abdominal pain. Today was not so bad, though. First there was the news that we were going parade Alex Song in front of the crowd at EXACTLY 2:52pm. And then came the tweet from the club with the lineups. In the past they’ve been as predictable as a Disney movie. Mommy dies tragically, adventure, a few laughs, it’s all ok in the end. But with Nolan out and the new guys showing their quality, not only is the starting eleven fun to check out but the subs as well. I was genuinely excited to see Poyet named to the squad, even if he doesn’t play. There were plenty of moans on Twitter about Cole and Vaz Te, but too much change too quickly and poor old Sam might have had a seizure.
The good mood created by Song’s unveiling pretty much shriveled up once the game started. Southampton kept possession, moved the ball nicely, and used their width and pace. Particularly through Dusan Tadic, which only made me angrier at Rich for telling me how good he was. In the 9th minute he sent a cross in that I guess was much better than either Long or Pelle expected it to be because neither of them attacked it. Lucky for us.
At the ten minute mark, a familiar statistic was plastered on my television screen. Possession. And wouldn’t you know it, we were on the wrong side. Southampton owned the ball for 73% of that initial block. Where was the passing game? Where were the players who supposedly knew how to actually dribble the ball? Isn’t that a skill you are supposed to have when you play this game for pay?
I was particularly annoyed with Vaz Te. I’m not piling one here, jumping on the anti RVT bandwagon. And his shot that was deflected off Foster’s instep doesn’t come into play for me. The terrible pass to Cole who had made a decent run. The juggling, overly fancy nonsense on the sideline that ended, predictably, with him losing possession. Dude, if you don’t know this already let me break the news to you. You’re not that good.
While Zarate wasn’t doing that much with the ball, he seemed to be making a point to Sam that he can indeed track back and defend a little. And that led to Mark Noble’s goal. Sure, it was deflected. But it was a shot from outside the box. I think we took a total of six of those all last season. Phil Whelan was telling a story on the Stop Hammertime podcast about an interview with Kevin Nolan after he scored a screamer from about 30 yards while at Bolton. Good goal indeed, he said. But Sam will still fine him for shooting from outside the 18 yard box. With three of our first four goals of the season coming from Sam’s version of the wilderness, maybe times are actually changing? Nah. Sam just gets to pocket the fines.
After the goal the hydraulics under the pitch went back to work tilting in Southampton’s favor. Tadic kept showing his very tasty skills. Steven Davis took a Pelle knock down but sailed his shot over the bar. We were up 1-0, but it still felt like we were losing.
I got a text from my best mate, Jon right before the Tadic free kick that led to Southampton’s equalizer. It said we are going back to Sam Ball. The ball is almost levitating over the grass. Like it’s scared to touch it. Then the ball fell to Schneiderlin. Is it just me or did anybody else think O’Brien went to ground too easily, giving so much space to Schneiderlin to tee it up?
I turned off the TV for halftime, hoping to change our luck by going downstairs to make my son another piece of toast.
It didn’t work.
The second half started pretty much like the first half ended. We looked clueless and awful, they looked creative and controlled. We were channeling our inner Crystal Palace from last week, and they were channeling their inner West Ham from last week.
Tadic should have scored. Then Schneiderlin could have had his brace. One of the definitions of being neurotic is knowing something is not in your best interest but you do it anyway. Well, maybe it was the stress of Southampton’s skillful play, but we just climbed down the dark hole into last years methods and let them come at us. And I bet you anything that’s what Ronald Koeman saw. There was blood in the water, and he wanted his sharks to frenzy.
When Ravel and Diame came on about midway through the second half, I wasn’t surprised to see Zarate or Vaz Te come off. There was a lot of chatter on Twitter asking why Cole was left on. To be fair, we needed all three to come off. But at that stage I didn’t think it mattered as much as others. Maybe I am reverting to Hoofball as well? It’s what I’ve grown to know, even if I hate it. At least one of the subs was an attacking, creative type. Yet Ravel looked confused. Like he didn’t know where to be. At one point, I thought I saw Noble shoot him a look that said “get out of my way”!
When Pelle had a goal disallowed on a very dubious offside call, I tried to rationalize that sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good. But like most rationalizations in life it came crashing down soon thereafter. O’Brien saw yellow for a bad tackle, and the resulting free kick floated through the box begging for somebody to tuck it home. Anybody. I prayed that we could hold on for a draw, but I expected God’s answer to be “are you nuts”?
In the 67th minute we got what we deserved. The corner may not have been the right call, and I wondered if Southampton thought that as well and that’s why they took it so fast. By the time our back line realized it wasn’t cricket, and there is no break for tea, Schneiderlin had flicked it past Adrian. There may have been time left, but I was pretty sure it was over.
On comes Valencia. I would have preferred Sakho. Again, I’m reverting back to wanting the giant human imitating Andy Carroll, and Sakho would have done that. Sam can’t tell me it was because of the back injury Sakho was nursing, otherwise he wouldn’t have made the bench. It wouldn’t have mattered, because Adrian was airborne after saving Clyne’s shot and Pelle slotted home the rebound.
3-1. Our collective weekend ruined. It’s just hard to understand how Southampton had to replace so many key players yet maintained their style, and we added so many key players….and reverted back to our style. Make no mistake. This was a giant step backwards. In terms of result, effort, and quality.
Once, while watching my favorite baseball team The New York Mets go through an incredible spell of winning something like 24 of 28 games, the guy I had a season ticket with offered these sage words. We are never as bad as we think we are when we are losing, and we are never as good as we hope we are when we are winning. I’m going to try to cling to that thought today. It was a game we should have penciled in as a win. And we have the players we needed to bank the three points. Yet, we found a way to make a dry, tasteless burger out of a pretty nice Rib eye.
So we all leave hungry.