Nigel Kahn’s Column
Sometimes when there’s no football to write about my mind starts to wander into “what if” moments. You know…
- What If West Ham had bought Gordon Banks
- What if Didier Drogba had signed for us & not Chelsea
- What If London hadn’t won the Olympics.
Another I like to play with is the “What If” the Daves were actually a real comedy double act, what type of double act would they be?
My first thought was Morecambe & Wise, as I could imagine the Dave’s living together and sleeping together in their pyjamas, maybe dancing around the kitchen while making breakfast to The Stripper music.
Or would they be like Little & Large, one dull and straight, the butt of the funnier other one’s jokes, but then again I’m not sure which of the two could be called large. To be honest though, Little & Little doesn’t have that star comedy ring about it.
Perhaps they are more akin to Waldorf & Stadler the two old men from the Muppett show, sitting in the box criticising from above. I could just see them sitting there criticising performance after performance they see paraded in front of them.
But then it came to me, The Daves are (supposedly) two working-class men with working-class values, so for me, the crème del a crème de menthe of working class double acts would be Peter Cook & Dudley Moore.
Ok, I know Peter Cook was middle class but with his Dagenham boy side kick Dudley Moore, the two of them with their characters, sitting in the pub having a drink just talking are, for me, comedy gold.
So, with that in mind, and using “What If” the Daves were just normal blokes that went down the pub for a drink and a chat, here’s my take on what that conversation may go like. Borrowed heavily though from the Pete & Dud Greta Garbo sketch, I present…
GOLDY & SULLY
THE BLOODY KARREN BRADY SKETCH
Goldy: All right then Sully are you?
Sully: Not too bad, you know, not too bad
Goldy: What you been doing lately, then?
Sully: Well quiet, pretty quiet, not been up to much – I had a spot of the usual trouble the other day.
Goldy: Oh, did you – what happened then?
Sully: A spot of the usual trouble – well, I come home about half-past eleven – we’d been having a couple of drinks, remember? – I come home about half-past eleven, and, you know, I was feeling a bit tired, so, you know, I thought I’d go to bed, you know, take my clothes off, and so on, you know.
Goldy: ‘right – well, don’t you take your clothes off BEFORE you go to bed?
Sully: Er – no, I made that mistake this time, got it the wrong way round – anyway, I got into bed, settled down, I was just about, you know, reading “Pure Gold” your autobiography.
Goldy: Good ain’t it
Sully: It’s a lovely book, Goldy, a lovely book – an’ I got up to about page 442, second paragraph, when suddenly – ‘bring, bring – bring, bring’.
Goldy: What’s that?
Sully: That’s the ‘phone, going ’bring, bring’. So I picked up the ‘phone, and – you know who it was?
Goldy: no who?
Sully: Bloody Karren Brady. Calling from scouting players in China, bloody Karren Brady – I said, ’look, Karren, what do you think you’re doing, calling me up half-past eleven at night?’ She said ’It’s half-past seven in the morning over here’. I said, ‘I don’t care what bloody time it is, there’s no need to wake ME up’. She said, ’ Sully, Sully – get on a plane, come dance with me, be mine tonight’. ‘Be mine tonight’ she said – I said, ‘Look, Karren – we’ve had our laughs, we’ve had our fun, but it’s all over’. I said, ‘Stop pestering me, get back to Peschcisoledo – stop pestering ME’ I said. I slammed the ‘phone down and said ’Stop pestering me’.
Goldy: Shouldn’t you have said ‘Stop pestering me’ BEFORE you put the ‘phone down?
Sully: I should have, yes …
Goldy: It’s funny you should say that ’cos a couple of nights ago, you remember, we had a couple of drinks …
Sully: I remember that yes …
Goldy:… and I came home, you know, I was going to bed, felt a bit tired – I was having a nightcap …
Sully: ‘Course you were …
Goldy:… and I was just dropping off nicely, and all of a sudden I heard this hollering in the kitchen.
Goldy: And screaming and banging on the door, you know, and I thought I must have left the gas on – so I go down there – I fling open the door – you’ll never guess – it’s bloody Franco Zola, up to his knees in pasta, screaming at me – portami cuocere, mi permetta di essere ancora il vostro gestore!’
Goldy: Italian, yes, he wants to be our manager again –anyway he was covered in mud, he grabbed hold of me, he pulled me all over the floor – he had one of them old Macron tops on …
Sully: one with the stickers that peel off …
Goldy: … Yes, and we rolled all over the floor – I hit him, I said ‘Get out of here! Get out of here, you Italian … thing!’ I said. ‘Get out of here’, I said …
Sully: ‘You Italian thing …’ a good thing to call him.
Goldy: Yes … I said. ’Don’t you come here and mess up MY pasta again, mate’.
Sully: I should hope not. I had the same bloody trouble about three nights ago – I come in, about half-past eleven at night, we’d been having a couple of drinks I remember – and I come in, I get into bed, you see, feeling quite sleepy, I could feel the lids of my eyes beginning to droop – a bit of the droop in the eyes – I was just about to drop off, when suddenly, ‘tap, tap, tap’ at the bloody window pane – I looked out – you know who it was?
Sully: Bloody Karren Brady again, flown back from China! Bloody Karren Brady – stark naked save for a shortie nightie. She was hanging on to the window sill, and I could see her knuckles all white … saying ‘Sully, Sully I want you…’ well you know how she bloody goes on – I said ‘Get out of it!’ – bloody Karren Brady. She wouldn’t go – she wouldn’t go, I had to smash her down with a broomstick, poke her off the window sill, she fell down on the pavement with a great crash …
Goldy:: She just had a nightie on, is that all?
Sully: That’s all she had on, Goldy, just a …
Sully… a see-through, shortie nightie. Nothing else – except for her dark glasses of course. Dreadful business.
Goldy: Well, it’s funny you should say that …
Sully: Yes, it’s funny I should say that.
Goldy:… after the Southampton game, I come home, we’d been having a couple of drinks …
Sully: Couple of drinks, yes …
Goldy:… I come home, I come through the door, and – sniff – sniff, sniff, I went – you know – funny smell, I thought, smells like aftershave …
Sully: Brute Aftershave, Goldy?
Goldy: what ones brute aftershave
Sully: its the aftershave of choice for norvenors Goldy
Goldy: Funny you should say that, because I come in the bathroom, you know, I thought, ‘bit stronger here’, you know, ‘funny – I come in the bedroom – it’s getting ridiculous, this smell, you know, so I get into bed, you know, turn the covers back – it’s a bit warm in bed – I thought, ‘funny’, you know, being warm like that – and – I get into bed, I put out the light – and, I was just going off to kip – and suddenly I feel a hand on my cheek.
Sully: Which cheek was that, Goldy? … Come on – which cheek was it?
Goldy: It was the left upper. I said I thought, you know, ‘funny’ … I turned on the light – bloody hand here, Black fingernails urgh…
Sully: Who was it?
Goldy: You’ll never guess – but bloody Sam Allardyce
Sully: Sam Allardyce?
Goldy: Sam Allardyce, in bed with me, stark naked – I said ‘Sam’ …
Sully: with the huge…
Goldy: With the thing. Yes.. I said, ‘SAM’, I said, ‘get out of here’ …
Sully: Get out …
Goldy: ‘Get out of here’, I said, ‘you may be mean, arrogant and magnificent, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s all over’. we sacked you and you’re not coming back So I threw him down – I chased him out of bed, threw him down the stairs – I threw his Adidas coat and his stupid headset after him, I threw them down … and his Bolton Wanderers scarf … I said ‘Get out of here! Get out of here, you fraud!’ … I threw his chewing gum – I threw a bucket of water over him, I said ‘Get out of here, you fraud! ’Take your long
Goldy: Ball…Yes, long ball I said, ’don’t come in my bed again, mate, it’s disgusting!’ Terrible … I was shocked to the quick.
Sully: You’re quite right, you got to do something about these bloody ex-managers who pester you …
Goldy: What you doing tonight, then?
Sully: Well … I thought we might go to watch Cardiff City play.